The Girl code

The girl code is an off shoot of the Bro code which according to Wikipedia is a friendship etiquette governing the relationship between people - ever heard of the 'bros before hoes'? That is the most popular rule in the bro code and for decades, largely unbroken. The girl code is also not just an MTV show, it is a set of unspoken rules which sometimes sound annoying but if you want to have any friends, you have to follow them.

Initially, while drafting this, I planned to discuss the code thing in detail especially for those who haven't heard it before and probably list one or two of the rules but after seeing my word count. *Shakes head* Before I turn this to a thesis or a 40-page assignment and bore y'all to death. Instead, I'll refer you here and here to see what these rules look like. I'll only drop say two here, to introduce my post. The most commonly used of the girl code rules are stated below, you've probably heard of them too.

- Never go after your friend's crush, and
- Don't think about flirting with your friend's boyfriend (or ex)

I have had an ex who thought the best way to get my attention or get me to notice him, or... I don't know, but he thought the best way to do whatever it is that he does, was to go after all my friends one after the other.

So, we're all colleagues and it was a messy breakup. His coping mechanism I guess, was going after my friends. While some snubbed him outright, others responded, and When I mean 'going after', I refer to flirting, calls, voice notes, long conversations and all those chyking preambles, and when he notices I pay no heed, he'd waylay me in the halls and try to talk, about how I don't remember him, hit him up or respond to messages Bla Bla Bla. The last time, he was bemoaning his weight and pouring all his life problems on my head. I stood there, assuring him he wasn't that fat.
He'd start we should be friends’ line, and ask why we don't talk anymore, and I would hold back all the bile in my throat and instead say that I don't stay friends with my exes, for obvious reasons. Burnt, he would find another of my friends to hit up, I think to mend his salted ego, and the cycle continues.

Disclaimer: Do not! Don't ever date a colleague, you don't want to deal with this bs, because really, not everybody has sense.

I don't know how you guys see the girl code thing, but you're not allowed to flirt with my ex, boyfriend or crush. It's not only about the girl code, it's more about loyalty.

This is the basics, I don't even tell anybody this, if common sense can't help you, I let you go on a frolic of your own.

The first time I ever confronted anyone about it, they were all.

" it's nothing, we're just friends. Did you want me to snub him? He's the one talking to me Bla bla"

Then they go off to show how I'm overreacting.

Call me a drama queen or not but if an ex of your friend tries to come on to you, you ought to shut him down. You should be angry! Why are you not angry? If he was that nice of a person, they wouldn't be broken up, right? Like, how do you decide to be friends with someone that didn't treat your girl right? This is not okay. This is a code the boys would never break, it has always been bros over hoes, but somehow most girls seem to be flattered by just anything paying attention to them. He's not calling you beautiful because you are, but to get back at his ex and see if she notices and comes ranting to him. You ought to shut him down and not give him the light of day, but in my experience, I've had friends who flirted back and thought showing me the messages meant being open or to prove a point that nothing was going on, but ain't that you receiving compliments and sending voice notes and telling him how nice and deep his voice is? Oh, I see you, alright!

I've always been the ride or die, the person you call at 2am when your house is burning, because I honestly go out on a limb for people and my girl code game? . So, it's a big deal when I don't get this in return. Most people don't see it as such, but then, who's the one that has to deal with an ex that goes after her friends or dealing with friends that flirt back?

A lot of people don't get that these boundaries should exist until it happens to them, and they come crying foul. Like, once, I remember someone had another friend of hers coming on to her boyfriend and she would lament and cry, and I'm here like, you don't even respect the girl code in the first place, so... karma?

When my ex was doing all this, he would never walk up to any of my friends in person or when I was with them, he would always sneak up when I wasn't around or send an emissary to call the girl, he just never did the walking up, all meetings were held in secluded areas but Woiz ma own? He told them he was avoiding "drama". Honestly, I would be offended if a guy told me he couldn't claim me in public because he didn't want drama, thankfully I have never had that happen to me, or let myself be propositioned by the ex of a friend.

When you play into the narrative, it's embarrassing. If we decide to make up tomorrow and be friends again, it's going to be pillow talk how all my friends were falling for him and sadly, in this country of ours, boys get away with a lot and we're not women supporting women if we play into the narrative. My roommate in school used to legit beef any boyfriend of mine that would try as much as break my heart and I remember having an ex that used to tell me to help beg her on his behalf because she wouldn't listen to him. He literally fears her till today because she wouldn't hesitate to warn him off, especially when he would mess up and I would still go back to him. That is an example, my people, of women looking out for women. These fellas respect girls that intimidate them or are able to call them out on their bs, it is what it is. Imagine if he tried to proposition my roommate and she flirted with him, giggling like a stupid child, oh well!

Sometime last year, a guy approached me, and I declined. Coincidentally he started stalking one of my friends right after, following her to her house, showing up uninvited - she had never seen this guy before, no one knew how he got her number. I only knew him because he had approached me before.

I remember a night she called and was almost in tears, afraid of sleeping in her house because of him and his stalking. I told her to block his number and if he tried contacting her again or as much as step a foot in her house, I would take it up with the authorities. I wasn't thinking of how this was not my business or how no one would stick their neck out like that for me, I just felt like no one should be scaring my friend to death, and it was my duty to help as much as I could. Yesterday, I was walking with her, he saw me and started calling. I didn't respond, out of loyalty. Get the gist, he didn't do anything to me, we could be friends if we wanted, after all, I was the one who turned him down. Yet, I didn't do this because he offended my friend with all his stalking and intense advances. That was enough reason for me to not want to speak to him. Yet, people will see someone that used grinding stone to grind your heart and say it's that one's friend request they want to accept. Wa wa alright. The broom used to sweep the old wife...

These days, I am very territorial and guard jealously, if I have real interest in you, my friends will know but it will never reach the communication stage, because the strength for headache is not in me right now. I'm not saying I have bad friends o, I'm just saying that sometimes being a fine boy can make people forget themselves and really, my blog is the only place I can vent without people thinking I'm throwing shade.

I'd love to hear from you guys. Have you been in this situation, how did you handle it?

By Doris Okoronkwo